Ski Instructor Lexicon
Art: Robert Neubecker
Ski instructors, obviously, spend a great deal of time watching skiers, and not just from the chair. As a result, they have developed a vivid, if not always refined, terminology to describe the various ways people get themselves down the hill.
Please note, readers with finer sensibilities should turn the page now. The following terms and their definitions are crude and callous, but not meant to be malicious. Well, not really.
“Hip Swinger” or “Butt Swisher”
Think hula movements misplaced in a ski suit. These skiers think they’re hot because they can get their feet really, really close together, but they wonder why they’re exhausted after only two runs. Instructors grow tired of having students point out a “Hip Swinger” or “Butt Swisher” and saying, “I want to ski like that!” If that’s the case, skip the lesson. Why? Butt Swishing is inefficient and not very versatile. Ever see these people in the chutes? Of course not. They can’t ski the chutes — at least not like that.
“Bowlers”
Another word for “Bowler” is “hopeless.” Fortunately, modern ski equipment and teaching techniques make skiing accessible to almost everyone. Still, there are the rare few who should perhaps consider another sport — like bowling.
“Dead Leg Dick”
Body language never lies. “Dead Leg Dick” shows up to his ski lesson with swashbuckling tales of black diamond runs conquered. In fact, his stories of prowess make you wonder why he even signed up for a lesson. Then you watch him ski. No turn is ever completed because the down-hill leg is stiff and straight — like that of a pirate’s peg leg. His body language, leaning into the hill and pushing the skis away, clearly communicates mortal fear. “Dead Leg Dick” has learned that if he never finishes a turn, he continues to gain speed until the forces of the universe converge to stop him.
“Divorce Court”
This term applies to the man yelling at his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend or wife, “TURN! TURN!” Or worse, “STOP, HONEY! STOP!” while the poor woman careens out of control toward her impending doom. Never mind that she doesn’t actually know how to turn or to stop. Skiing is a non-instinctive and unnatural activity, and therefore lots of fun. But we all need to be taught how to do it by someone who actually knows how.
“Outhouse Crouch”: Applies to those poor folks who assume a position akin to hovering over a dirty toilet seat in an outhouse. This is exhausting as well as unattractive, so skiers with this technique don’t last long on the slopes and opt for a more comfortable activity, like major dental work.
“Death Wedge”: Parents unwittingly inflict the “Death Wedge” upon their own children by taking them to runs that are too steep. The child uses the only tool he or she has to slow down: a wedge big enough to rip a snowsuit. The “Death Wedge” perpetuates itself by creating a back-seat habit and a determined refusal to bring the skis into parallel alignment.
Yes, you ARE being watched, analyzed and criticized by the people on the chairlift above you. But, if you’re having fun, who cares? Soon enough, you’ll have your turn on the chair.
Cheryl Fox has taught skiing for a long time and still loves it, despite the perils listed above.
Your comments may be edited for brevity and foul language.